Doug is wearing your sports bra fyi
you kept wiggling your finger at everybody at the party telling us this is how he fingered me. you seemed pretty upset about it.
That's it, I refuse to live in a world where sparkly vampires beat Batman at anything.
she used her one phone call to ask me about my day
Just saw out breathalyzer tubes from last night on the side of the road. Glad the cop let us know that they are biodegradable
My mom just came into the kitchen and watched me take a double shot of whiskey and chase it with a beer and said "you are my son." Proudest family moment ever
smoked some of that legal weed last night, felt like God himself legit bent me over his knee and spanked my ass. Never again..never.
So my roommate and I have a written agreement stating that if he tries to sleep with his ex girlfriend, I have to immediately intervene and nut punch him then send her on her way.
this is the most serious roommate agreement ever
Well I took a spicy wing shit in a field this morning.
This girl I interned with got engaged today and I'm just like over here taking plan B with my tacos and PBR.
The next time we go out, we're bringing a jar so that people can contribute to the rest of what I need to come up with for my breast implants... We'll show them yours for inspiration and persuasion.
I never thought I would encounter a situation that was "Too Gay" for me...and yet there I was.
"Plot twist... I'm straight."
A guy in a chewbacca suit just came up to me and asked me to buy him weed.
She's chasing the cat around the house hitting it with a cardboard sword yelling "there can be only one!"
Randomize
