My friends, they love my intelligence
There's a show on bravo about fat people dancing. FAT PEOPLE. DANCING.
This is god's gift to the unemployed.
I just took my friends on a tour of all the places I've had sex in my house. I dont know if that's more slutty, or the fact that it took 2 hours to complete..
Finished the final in under ten minutes and then puked in the bushes outside. I don't even care if I graduate anymore.
So I found the perfect "Yeah I gained weight since high school but it went to all the right places" outfit for the reunion this weekend.
That moment when you cant decide between eating spaghetti or a Popsicle for breakfast
Please make sure you have solid number of friends around you that wouldn't be afraid to break a bottle and stab someone. If you're planning on drinking all of that, you're going to need a safety net.
He was my first. He knew. He knew right there I was wrapped around his penis.
coughing up blood. I'm leaving for the doctor now. P.S. I just won $350 on the wheel of fortune machine in the casino.
He just ranted to some customer about fourth of July being ruined and I just shouted USA the whole time in the background. It was kinda epic
you got drunk, told him he looked like shaggy and said 'I wouldn't show you my mystery machine for all the scooby snacks in the world'
Went to take a shower. Brought my wine, forgot my towel.
Do exhausted, barely concealed hand jobs count as joining the mile high club?
I just realized that Margarita Wednesdays are so much better now when followed by No Work Thursdays.
I think I left my bra and my crocs in your room
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