i got your date sluuuuuuut pick up my calls or else hes mine
I really hope your girlfriend didnt have your phone while i texted how much i loved doing it in HER car with you :x
I know now the amount of smoke it takes to set off the fire alarm....no longer worried about using the bong...not even close
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
Def walking back to my apt with a blender, an empty vodka bottle, and a half eAtn drumstick cone.
I ate goldfish off your shoulder, I think we had bigger issues
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
I wanna get freshman fucked up and do shady things on the last Friday of my youth.
Please just fuck her. She's new to LA and doesn't know anyone nice.
Don't stress. That was a joke. I'd trust my pets with no one else. Accidents happen. Sometimes things go smoothly when you help a neighbor out and sometimes you electrocute their fish. Life is funny that way.
I feel like we have a good system here turning our sketchy decisions into great stories.
I have the rest of my life to settle down this is totally time for friends and pizza
We ate sushi in a hospital bed, then fucked in a bathroom while I wore a gown. Pretty sure she's the one
I just Spray tanned myself while high as fuck its either going to look like a work of art or terrible graffiti
i just want to cuddle, make out and maybe have a boob grabbed but no. someone has to have mono.
Randomize
