you fell asleep during kickboxing this morning
how does that even happen??
Probably should plan this out. Step one: grow stache. Two: get trenchcoat. Three: Kidnap Selena Gomez.
I had better be fucking involved with step four.
I just shot gunned a beer for your birthday alone because you're too hungover at midnight to get out of bed. I'm not sure which of us is the bigger loser
Even though I wasn't drunk last night, I peed in the sink just so I could keep my record going
The bride says you won't want any of the single ladies...
Let's let the open bar be the judge of that.
He kept saying "this is a bad idea" wasn't in his vocabulary. He left at 2 came back at 6 eating frozen waffles and he had a symbol, a moped mirror, and a new MacBook. I'd say he had a good time
I just very easily got pretty high off of one bowl of shitty dirt weed. I'm a sad excuse for who I used to be.
Right but I don't wanna waste the whole weekend not having sex when we could be having sex
You should have seen the pharmacists face when I paid for my inhaler refill and a box of condoms.
In related news, I couldn't want to blow you more if your dick made harmonica noises.
I think I'm getting sponsored by the Mexican Drug Cartel for the start of my poker career. It was an interesting night at the bar. One word, Vegas.
I gave myself a charlie horse masturbating this morning. I feel like that really set the tone for the day.
Im legit just salty with everyone who has a penis right now
There was one thing about my NYC trip I forgot to tell you: I took a dump in Trump Tower
My life is in shambles. Just made a grilled cheese in the microwave on a hot dog bun
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