I've heard semen is good for your skin though, so that pimple on my chin should clear right up.
my lips still taste like vagina
so you liked breakfast?
ehh, still wish we woulda went to IHOP instead
he stopped mid-fuck to ask me how my day was....
she demanded that I make her breakfast too so im in the bathroom cooking bacon with her straightener
You left me with no money to have random Chicago sex. The least you can do is pick me up an egg mcmuffin on your walk of shame back to the hotel.
You could have chosen coming to fuck me over getting too hammered to drive. But you made your bed, and now you get to jack off alone in it.
I just spent 10 min explaining to my mom how orange is a strange color. I think she knows
I FEEL LIKE I CAN TAKE DOWN A FULLY GROWN MOUNTAIN LION WITH ONLY A POINTY STICK OH MY GOD
You sent me a cat video and you screaming drunkenly in my background
Do you think I shall pursue this journey to the center if the dick?
Never play truth or dare with a girl who carries a dildo in her purse. I'll never go to a Denny's again.
ever since I turned 21 the mother-daughter bonding sessions always end with whiskey and my little pony. I don't know why, it's just a thing that happens
Saw the Peanut butter guy at checkout he had at least 30 containers of it and like 6 different kinds...
I can't tell if my need for dick is more than my want to strangle him
He burst in the bathroom while I was peeing to hand me my beer I was looking for earlier tht night. And my pants were already down so I thought why not
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