Sweetheart, you've always been a horrid bitch...
My underwear smells like fireworks.
best part he said "i like your tattoo" as he walked into the room, stood right there looking at me, naked on top of his friend
Topless wife handwashing shirt. Tonight marriage is good.
there is cereal in my wallet where all the cash used to be.
just rolled a joint with wrapping paper.. and you say i have no christmas spirit
I'm thinking of writing "I have herpes" on my stomach in sharpie that way I'm not tempted to show my tits tonight
Before you ask, yes. Whatever you're wearing IS too slutty for his mom's funeral.
Dude. The walls are totally staring at me right now. I told you this was a bad idea.
Also, not pregnant! Way to go uterus! Good job on being a team player!
Sorry, I was unaware dragging you upstairs for sex was such an awful thing.
The last thing I remember is talking to the firefighter next to me and he was giving me fruit.
I am high playing guitar hero naked. Please don't let me die this way
I mean, I was expecting a little more coke snorting and a little less kids and cake
I dont think the chain smoking, tequila shots or cocaine was good for my bronchitis.
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