our night together was a product of my beer goggles and jennifer aniston-like desperation.
I already have one guy that I have regrettable sex with. I don't need another.
Ok well I'll be up all night studying if you need a wake up call or a place to put your penis.
Front seat of an Escalade in a limo-service parking lot. That is all.
My attorney has my name in her roldex as need to hit that. Im gonna win my case
if drunk means calling me and asking to borrow the game of life at 2am then I think you were drunk
I basically have sex lined up for me in three different countries. If that's not a feat I don't know what is
On a separate note, I just found out some condoms aren't vegan. Problem.
Hahahaha I can't wait for you to ask "wait. are there any animal by products in that?"
I don't know what happened. His phone, shirt, shoes, and the condom wrapper are here but he isn't. I don't even know how to get a hold of him right now
I've literally NEVER been on a date or gotten through one episode of netflix without having sex like I JUST WANT TO WATCH TRUE DETECTIVE
i woke up face planted on your ottoman..thanks for letting me sleepover
I might need to come puke in your toliet on the way home
Pooping in a box is not fun. You're not a cat.
I bought him flowers and fake vampire fangs, cuz there's really not a greeting card that says "Sorry I got wasted last night and started a very sloppy bloodletting ritual.".
he asked me for a magic BJ...is that supposed to be different from a normal BJ?
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