where are you
in your bedroom
how did you get in
your wife…
WTF
im a genious. moved my bed and mirror so i can watch the game while Fucking
my cabbie only has one arm...this can't be safe
She calls me Shortcake and bites my ear. Trust me, I'm FINE with bein the secret lesbian lover.
I really don't think you should have 'baptized' your tattoo in vodka the same night you got it.
Second night spent with creepy guy. I either need to change his nickname or stop doing this.
I believe its time to stop celebrating Thanksgiving. I've been drunk for over a week. If my liver doesn't give out, and I'm not pregnant I will truly have something to be thankful for.
If graduating leads me to stop getting naked at inappropriate times in public places I'm going to be pissed
If you could watch a water balloon run... That's what it's like watching her run.
Literally just saw a 7 year old intently rub his penis on the metro. I'm not ready for this
It's a good thing vaginas don't have taste buds
He had the same tone in his voice and look in his eyes that he gets when he says UFOs aren't real.
We need to borrow someone's dog. Just so we can non-creepily go to PetSmart and watch all the other dogs take photos with Santa
This is a friendly reminder to try not to shit on the toilet seat. If our 4 year old can manage it, I think you can too.
My ex is stopping by while he’s working tonight after delivering a pizza to fuck me, then going back to work at Pizza Hut. This is what my life has become.
Randomize
