Drawing on your hand and calling it yenifer lopez doesn't count!
I just woke up and realized I puked in my boxers WTF.
You stay classy.
The worst part was I forgot until I tried to put them on.
what kind of vibe do I give off that a guy i've never hung out with thinks its okay to send me a picture of his ball cleavage?
OMFG, I'm seriously about to get fairly unpolite with this guy.
Wow. I bet he's shakin' in his boots.
im holly from the hills drunk
I saw Winona at my church today. She has boobs, now.
Miracles do happen.
wait do you know what youre gonna say if they ask how youre getting back?
yes. helicopter.
being alone eating nachos and drinking from a giant munchen beermug really isnt that sad
I just had a Brazilian done for this guy. He's getting first-date sex whether he wants it or not.
You're the only true friend I have, if true friendship is based off who would be there for me at 4am during a boxed wine crisis.
I was tackling you out of excitement
Yeah thank goodness the stripper pole was there to break my fall.
I just found out my younger brother has me saved in his contacts as "Womb Primer" and I don't know what to do with this information
Apparently when cookies are around I think of myself as a puppy and reward myself for everything #WhoIsAGoodBoy
is it fun? or sober?
Learned two new lessons today: 1) Do not identify pills found in one's car by taking them to see what happens, especially while at work, and 2) There is no logical reason to keep ambien in one's vehicle...
Randomize
