Jerry, you need to find god
woke up with food on the counter from chipotle, taco bell, green cactus, and on the border take out. explain?
you were trying to get this Spanish chick to sleep with you. you were showing her how much you "loved her native food."
I just added 'steal mom's xanax' to my to do list for when I go home for Easter.
Girl walking by was talking on the phone about how he needed to write a gratitude list in her letter to god this week. Too stoned
Watching porn with a bag of marshmallows. Thats when you know you're stoned.
Seriously? What part of meeting at Oktoberfest while I'm wearing a dirndl, double fisting, and making out with random guys screams "i'm girlfriend material"?!
Drank a fosters this weekend and last weekend. Listening to down under 5 times a day. Spent 100 dollars on a sleeveless men at work shirt circa 1983. We don't leave for another 5 weeks. I call it pregaming.
Hey please buy toilet paper today. Plastic grocery bags are starting to hurt now
By the way anyone who is willing to be in the film while tripping gets free shrooms.
You don't know how emotionally damaged I am from crashing into that park maintenance van. I'll never ride a bike because of it.
woke up with empty beer can still duct taped into my fists and the word "dove" written on the back of my neck
you can't let guys come on your chest and then hog my blanket
BTW, Julia referred to you as a power bottom. Are you available?
I'm naked on my couch and just ate a chip that was in my belly button.. my 20s have been weird.
Also fuck yeah conspiracy
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