also: i found my "nug jug", actually the baby did, but either way it got returned to its rightful owner
All that matters is I got the megaphone home safely
in the event i get tipsy, my nipples are your responsibility
It was really weird walking into a CVS and not going straight to the pharmacy for plan B.
Her roommate texted her and told her that her cat died. Now she's double-fisting bottles of wine while howling and wailing her dead cat's name. Not how I pictured this booty call.
She stopped mid hookup to ask me if we'd be done before Taco Bell closed.
I need to stop treating my body like that of a Vegas hooker on vacation in Ibiza
Yeah everyone's alive and well besides the still terrifying threat of Ted's conception of a human being
I apologized for the whole SWAT team incident to the roommate.
As an added realisation of today. If we used the last time I got laid as a conceiving date I would have a two week old baby. It's been too long...
All the party invite said was a date and "21 to drink, 18ish to sleep over"
He said he wanted to sit next to the fountain so he could "watch the water hit the other water".
I took a 19 year old to a strip club and ended up in a three way. Divorced life might be OK.
You know you need to get it together when a frat guy wakes you up and says you need to go to class
I need someone to sew my vagina shut until I'm responsible enough to use it
Randomize
