His moose knuckle keeps winkin at me
you looked like a weeble wobble. everytime we thought you were going to fall you bounced back up...you're an amazing drunk
When my kids ask how I lost my virginity Im going to have to tell them of a mythical thing called "Myspace" and how strangers could lure you into their "den of love" thanks to clever quotes and graphics
If I remember taking any of my finals after tomorrow night, it will not have been a successful night.
Our dealer is pledging my frat. When he come to sell me weed I make him take out the garbage.
In a car. Threw up in my mouth. Haven't said a word in 10 minutes.
just threw up what i'm pretty sure look like contents of a lava lamp
They wouldn't let me hang out the sun roof and sing apple bottom jeans in the drive thru of hardee's i think i no longer like these ppl
I might not remember all of last night but I clearly remember the part where I humped the mailbox.
Dude when the cops came you ran through the fence. Fucking THROUGH it. You're a master ditcher.
just pleasured myself to USA hockey beating Russia in the shoot out. god bless America.
My sunday was babysitting three big, drunk, crying Swedes. Unless your day involved four or more giant drunk swedes I don't want to hear about it.
I didn't know what to say so I just sent him a chicken emoji
The people at Perkins seem so judgemental. Big deal if i'm handcuffed to stripper in a star-n-stripes bikini. We still gotta eat.
Accidentally mixed my gin with cold brew coffee instead of cranberry juice. It’s bad. But I’ll finish it. Never leave a fallen soldier.
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