I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
if i die, you can have my worn out liver and american apparel deep v's.sell the liver to a chinese restaurant
At Coney Island the sign for the rollercoaster The Cyclone says, "Make sure your glasses and weave are secure."
I'm pretty sure my penis yawned halfway through. That loose.
Apparently riding the dog like its a small horse is frowned upon in this establishment
My brother just woke up to see me on te couch dipping hamburger buns into pizza sauce. I'm beginning to question the life choices that led to this moment.
Smuggling a beer bottle full of vodka out of the bar with a tampon as a plug for the top of the bottle wasn't one of my classiest ideas... but your hangover proves it was resourceful and effective. Your welcome.
After we drank 3, we built a raft out of the empties and installed the fourth submerged In the water to keep it cool. Keg boats are now a thing
did the fire alarm go off at the party last night I kind of remember a fire alarm noise
omg omg i ripped it out of the ceiling omg
How the fuck am I supposed to enjoy a third ice day from school if I only bought enough alcohol for 2?
I don't know, maybe act like an adult who teaches children for a living
It's like we're not even friends
You drunkenly promised dick pics on your way out the door and then never delivered. I don't know how I'll ever be able to trust you again.
Found my bra in the fridge. See you in 10 mins. It's gonna be a good fuckin day!
please don't forget about the bread in the toilet i am absolutely not dealing with that
my vagina can't handle any more of our 4 day long smash bash. it should be like a holiday or something. should only happen once a year.
Guy peeing and puking at the same time in the women's restroom? So impressed that I can't be offended
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