My little sister just found a condom in her bag i borrowed... Happy fourteenth birthday.
oh wait, my morality sensor is a little fucked up since I almost let my little sister's friend blow me.
be a good friend and just tell me i'm not pregnant
I had a bacon mcgriddle for the first time today. It was like eating a baby angel.
No matter how fun it seemed the night before you will always regret taking those pictures, you will always regret eating as much as you did, but you will never regret the great lengths you had to got to get those bruises.
I am laying on the kitchen floor eating cold chicken fingers and drinking wine. welcome to my new years party.
Drunk in my research methods class at 9:30 in the morning. We should do a quantitative analysis of my mimosa consumption.
I am both scared and jealous.
i don't care if its just a preseason game, my pick up a guy and suck him off in the bathroom skills are in midseason form
Hey, I didn't ask that stripper to put her unds in my mouth, it was just covered by the plus package fee I ordered.
Shame tastes like burnetts and latex
I'm a gymnast. they should know better than to let me get dunk near anything i can flip on
He showed up at my front door with Plan B and a rose...
My manager said you offered to make out with him to ensure I keep my job if I didn't show up to work today
Remembering you have vodka in the freezer gives the same surge of happiness as finding 20 bucks in a coat pocket.
he's drunk and referred to his shoes as foot condoms
Randomize
