You can tell a man will be prosperous by the power of his farts- A fart that can shake the room is a voice that can change the world.
I don't care if he is my ex... I have the deed to his dick until someone else fucks him. We broke up 2 years ago.... I am still holding that deed!
Fuck 8am classes
Dear Jesus I'm gonna throw up through my eyes
Gentleman, we have a new medal category - number of women per day in apartment WITHOUT FURNITURE
I'm going as Jenn Sterger if she answered Favre's calls and ended up in a trash can. If I don't get laid tonight I'm going to be pissed
i get the sense she is planing new and exciting ways to physically harm me during sex
You better fuck one or both of those bitches and bring me pictures that will make me uncomfortable
I can do at least one of those things.
Seriously. We gorilla glued our hands together. Eating pizza last night was impossible.
Just to circumvent as much mood-killing as possible, you are allowed a small amount of laughter at my pubic hair. Too much and I revoke your vagina privileges until you can get your shit together.
I got slapped by a drag queen and bitten on the arm by either a random girl or a weird mouth shaped dog. Tough to tell without seeing the teeth
My husband has seen you naked more times this week than me. I don't consider it a bad thing since you keep bringing the booze to our house. And because my tits are bigger.
I did cocaine off my boobs last night. Then I wrote two essays and went on a run. Go me
The landlord wasn't even off the porch yet and she was packing a bowl, I can't imagine a better best friend
It seems that Coffee is the true alpha male.
Why did I wake up covered in glitter next to a half eaten cheeseburger?
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