In retrospect, pretending to punch a 9 year old girl in the face was a terrible analogy to use in a piano lesson.
I woke up in my own vomit, a chunk of cactus in my thigh, shirtless, with jons mom poking at me with a glass of dr pepper and a talk about god....damn alcohol
I'm buying a pregnancy test with my lunch money. Classy.
We were squawking at each other for over an hour like chickens. Literally. Never touching the stuff again and never again showing my face at that Denny's.
update: ifinallt managed t5o be in a. Horizontal position without throwing up... the snmall victories.
I went online and donated $30 to his walk-a-thon as a "sorry I puked in your bed last night"
Talked to Nate, told him he was a douche. Will give details when sober. It's ok. You're my best friend together a wolf pack. Olive juice.
But it's ok cause then I turned my tequila blanket into a tequila comforter and I felt no pain
I'm working on a search warrant...can u pick up box of Chardonnay...I'll give u cash when u get here...
Yea... I love that ur a prosecutor and drink box wine
Driving home this morning in my minion costume makes me rethink the 0 tint on my windows.
A woman with Alzheimer's pointed at me and said, "Don't forget to wear socks, because you're a lady!" I think it's legit advice.
It's really hard to masturbate now that I live with girls who actually function before 11 am.
I was on top for a full on make out when in dead silence "I'm moaning Myrtle" came from the TV. Moment ruined. I got cock blocked by a fictional ghost
MANIFESTATION IS REAL AND IM GETTING LAID TONIGHT
all I remember is them saying he had a big dick and the next thing I know I’m leaving with him
Randomize
