I need to shower the guilt off of my thighs.
We got so high yesterday we tried watching soccer
They call it the Collection Couch because all 4 room mates have slept with at least 3 different girls on it. He tried to seal the deal with "would you like to be number 14?"
And sadly I did.
I can't even use my hands i'm so hungover
he handed me my panties in front of my date. turns out he wasn't that mad.
The moment you realize you should grow up: you're snorting your fathers percocet script with your old health insurance card, while your parents are on a 10 day cruise in the carribean...
I fucking, woke up on a couch with a towel as a blanket to someones lion king ringtone.
Teeth make me feel like a dinosaur. Can you feel yours?
OMG IM A TIGER AND I LOVE ROARING
You yelled "I gave my neighbor some of my bitch sauce" and then passed out. You now have drinking limits with us.
I just dumped the bloody coke bill into the tip jar while getting my hangover coffee. I'm literally going to hell.
I get stoned and write a 15 page history report in two hours. She gets stoned and cries because she "doesn't know which shade of pink is the real one".
I just dominated some guy while wearing your moms thong
So it turns out strippers do encores if enough people yell. Encore song: Self Esteem.
Now, I know I say this a lot, but you've obviously never seen my penis.
Randomize
