I found your undies. They were wrapped around my leg.
you would have Pina Colada flavored saliva.
CONQUERED: Sean from next door. Just wanted to let you know ;)
How many people did you send this to?
Don't count me out just yet. Considering bartering a blowjob to see if that boy from work will take my shift.
So as your former husband, I get to give you away at the wedding right?
hes supposed to be my fuck buddy. im not supposed to see him on his knees praying by my bed when i walk into my room.
Just bought koolaid for my vodka in a DARE shirt with my NES wallet. I'm everything I thought I'd be when I was 8.
Except even better, boobs get discounts.
THERE IS A WINE CUBE IN MY ASS THIS IS NOT GOING AS PLANNED
I honestly think the worst part about the night is they just kicked us out of the park and we didn't even get to go into Disneyland Jail
I remember us getting kicked out of the bar, but neither of us know why. We woke up next to chicken bones on a plate with spoons, and my car has mud all over it including places where feet shouldn't be, like the speakers on the car door.
I woke up this morning with a half eaten bagel and an empty pack of imitation crab meat in my bed. This is going to be my response to pick up lines now.
Ugh. He got her for secret santa. Idk what to get. Idk what she's into.
... other people's boyfriends.
I'm that daughter that had to send her mother "DON'T GET SHITFACED" & yes, in ALL CAPS.
What's a nice way of saying 'I wish I hadn't fucked you.'
This was the first funeral I've ever attended where I had to pee behind a bush cuz someone was passed-out drunk in the locked bathroom. Steve would have been proud.
Randomize
