There are just some things I refuse to put in my mouth.
Dear male population: sorry for being such a dick tease but thanks for paying for my bar tab and drunk food
My sole motivation for showering this morning was to masturbate. Something is wrong here...
I think the secretary can hear it when I fart in the bathroom, how do you think she feels about that?
I think I just need to sleep with both of them to see which I want to date.
You just went from promiscuous to slut in 3.2 seconds.
Just walked by a group of guys calling out walks of shame with a mega phone from their front porch.
I was so drunk that I didn't realize he was staying at the Waldorf. I walk of shamed the Astoria, do you even know what this means?
I think my multiple attempts of taking his life, no matter how unintentional they were, has put a damper on our friendship
and then you looked me right in the eyes and said "i just really wanna pet some horses right now"
Bro my mom is in for two days and you can't even hold back on the drinking she said as she left i hope he doesn't always pee his pants and he is sure popular with the girls wtf
What shitty, shitty thing could you possibly tell me that doesnt top the fact that i got hammered and showed everyone i could shit while running
She's opening her family birthday cards at the bar. So we can pay our tab. Bitches wrote checks :(
How does one un superglue their foot to the floor
When we were having sex last night, I told him I would replace him with tacos
Yes I peed all over myself and lost both my credit cards, who wants to know?
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