mom asked me why i'm never sober at family events, i told her i learned it from her.
You really need to tell him that he has a girlfriend. I'm not sure he knows
On a side note I think I burnt my eyebrow when we "teter-totered" into the fire
I can already almost taste penis in my mouth
Hes stumbling drunkenly around the streets of New York with a balloon vagina on his head. I'd say hes having a good night.
He Facebook stalked his way right into my pants.
Wearing scrubs to buy plan b so I look like I have my life together.
Can I come over? I respect you, but I want disrespectful things to happen
I just watched my mom get dick on Skype.
That d should have definitely been an s.
It feels like a bunch of leprechauns are using my brain as a soccer ball
Next time I feel awkward in a situation I'm going to just yell "free bird!!!!" Like some redneck at lynyrd skynyrd show
Okay so I'm high eating chili cheese fries bra-less watching Mulan, could I be doing any better at life right now?
Eh. Fuck him. He's missing out. I'm legit naked and drinking straight from the bottle of wine.
No, I'm not a weirdo, I keep bondage straps under my matress like a normal person, not a diary.
You've hit rock bottom, swam around the ocean floor, and brought back silverware from the titanic.
Randomize
