If you could come over after class and poke me with a stick to see if im still alive id really appreciate it
We officially wrote our house rules 1. We do not waste alcohol 2. Pinky promises mean something 3. Don't leave your facebook open, and if you do, don't complain 4. Never refuse cuddle or catch phrase
I just tried to text you by typing "whoa" into my contacts.
You just stood up, raised your glass and said, "I'd like to thank the academy" then fell through a glass table. THAT'S why we cut you off.
Favorite thing said to me in 2012: It's like you have two tongues!
Were you keeping a list?
You should hear the lecture my mom just gave me about cooking pizzas when im drunk because "I could have died".
I was wasted and the time changed. I blame the male strippers.
I just want to get drunk and wake up on Wednesday
Your biggest crisis right now is that you can't decide whether to keep hooking up with AN NFL PLAYER or try to rekindle your relationship with your ex. You are a walking white girl problem.
Everything was cool till you started pissing while standing at the bar
I went to her house she had a kid pool in her living room watching the vacation channel drinking rum out of the bottle saying" life is what you make it. Mines a vacation!!!"
Sorry I punched you in the throat. You got in my way. You understand.
He asked if I was going to squirt out my bday candles. I'm glad the perversion doesn't stop for special occasions.
I kinda forgave him after he laid next to me and rubbed my arm for four hours while I tripped balls.
It's okay that we broke up and all but it's not okay that he still has my Chick-fil-A calendar card. This month is free fries!
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