If I don't come home tonight, I've died in a pile of gay.
I looked at my own cervix.
It's like you don't even want to get drunk with me everyday, anymore.
You are missing out on the best boobs in town right now
i just feel like it would be irresponsible for you to not have sex with me again.
My vagina agrees.
How is it that you get into at least one taco related fight a year?
my longitudinal study of the long term effects of sloth and alchol-intake is nearly complete.
so you are graduating this semester.
Bring one of those heart stabber things in case you go into shock. I'll jab you.
Yeah, you went up to him and said "I stare at people until they feel obligated to talk to me."
All he did was like my Instagram picture and I'm already planning how to turn down sex with him this weekend...
I'm drinking and making muffins and I believe this is why God put us on earth.
I just hit your bf in the face with a mustard bottle and the guy at the table next to us bowed down to me.
I know I don't have feelings for him because I feel completely ashamed every time after we have sex
I want the address of the individual responsible for strawbeeritas. I want to send them gift basket.
You threw him in the dryer?
He went in of his own accord. Mumbled something about experiencing the blossoming of popcorn.
Randomize
