I think I should become a real estate agent in th friend zone I know the place so well
She didn't know my name but she knew I was Canadian so she just called me Canada. It sounded like the national anthem when we were fucking.
I'm the only kid serving jury duty. And I'm the only one who may walk out of here in handcuffs for a warrant. I'm enabling these people to doubt America's youth once again.
My alcohol tolerance is way too high for this paycheck.
She fell down the stairs and hit her head on the concrete. Then she stood up, flashed us and stumbled away. I forgot to get her number..
The woman at the bus stop told me i smell delicious and asked if i wear cotton then proceeded to tell me about her shellfish allergy
I've also decided that the true test of whether or not you should marry a girl is if she will willingly blow you while you eat Oreos.
Is it acceptable I'm laying in bed drinking airplane bottles?
In our world? Yes, but I'm disappointed yoiu are wasting airplane bottles. Save them for sneaky occasions
Just tapped my penis on the head and said "this will be your year buddy."
Any story that involves the words "bloody hand job" and/or "sliced penis" is bound to be a good one, right?
I just washed my birth control down with captain because I don't have any water and I need to wash the blood off my face before I leave my room.....
Remember when I said I had my shit together?
You are hereby uninvited from future Turnt Tuesdays until further notice.
Well I found my neighbors on tinder if you're wondering how my night went
I woke up at 3:30 this morning to pee. Luckily, I didn't have to travel far as I was asleep in my CLOSET on my yoga mat. Good news is I had a pillow...
my roommate had drunk sex above me in our bunk bed and then built me a fort to apologize the next day
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