I brought my laptop into the bathroom so I can facebook while vomiting. New low?
Nailed a drunk college girl before the CU game Saturday, and a drunk married woman after the Broncos game Sunday.
Some perfection is debatable.
i am not listening to taylor swift on a pink ipod. totally not happening.
i just checked to make sure valentines day this year was on a weekend assuming ill want to be drunk all day
hearing about your life makes me feel so good about mine
I woke up to him climbing naked through my bedroom window with a bottle of jd in his hand. Of course I had sex with him.
its a vaginal recession for me, ill take what i can get
critical mistake not lubing the nipples
you act like breakfast cereal isnt an entirely appropriate chaser
Sometimes I send them texts like "I want to make you cry and lick up your tears" just to fuck with them. And THAT is how you get rid of a Stage 5 clinger.
after tonight, seriously nothing could taste better than toothpaste
I'm Michael Phelps, Olympic Champion.
Are you just smoking weed? Cause that's not actually a Michael Phelps costume
The highlight was when a stranger was nose to nose with you threatening to kick ur ass, and you said "Is that your real face? Stopped him dead.
Oh, don't mind me, that's just my vagina rattling.
She woke up, peed in the sink and then passed out again, it's only 2 in the afternoon
condom fairy costume came in handy...we were making out in my living room and he wanted it so i took a condom off the costume and we did it right there...with my tutu still on....
Randomize
