Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
her sex was completely horrible but her weed was great. imma ask her out again
definitely just fell out of bed trying to plug in my phone. when did laziness start getting painful?
Just so you know you don't have to worry about me picking up any guys tonight. The Hilton is hosting guests from the North American Gay Volleyball Association and the Comic Palooza
Almost there.
define "almost". like I have enough time to watch a youtube video or oh shit, put on some goddamn pants because they're in the driveway.
Walking into the first day of college is like walking into a meat market. A meat market of sex.
I hate it when the guy who runs the chicken and waffles truck is convinced that I run a cult.
that is the opposite of a normal text message.
Change the recording on your voicemail. He found your number and my ass print on the car hood.
Finally another gay clarinet player. They're surprisingly rare.
This message brought to you by inappropriate slogans. Cotton candy, melting in your mouth like boners.
I live vicariously through you. No one mistakes me for a hooker anymore. I look like a stay at home mom of three. On bad days of four.
She sneezed like 10 times, put her head down on the table and then laid down on their couch and fell asleep. In the middle of the dominoes game. I'll never understand why my dad continues to provide my mom wine.
Every little girl dreams of the day when she picks up her fuck buddy because he's drunk at the gay bar again.
That's really the only reason I'm dating you, the prospect that I might get bacon
how am i in montreal? thats like a 3 hour train ride. i remember nothing.
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