Soooo billy mays was on coke. I'm about as shocked as I was when Clay Aiken came out
A homeless guy asked you to feel your boobs, you accepted in exchange for his broom to go with your witch costume..... that's when I cut you off
i just recognized the girl sitting across from me from a lesbian porno... should i ask for an autograph?
Don't say that out loud. People might think I really like to pee on you.
Of course you don't like it. I am the one who likes it.
I'm sorry. I think I have multiple personalities. Or it was the acid. Either way. I'm sorry.
she has an amazing ass but I need more beers to get past her horse face. It works out perfect becauseI can use her teeth as a bottle opener.
My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
Is it bad of me to apply as a night shift counselor at a boys orphanage purely because of how laid that would get me at bars?
I woke up on your bathroom floor, i used your towel I found laying on the floor as a cape to get to your bed. I thought it would help me walk straight if I looked like a superhero
I do believe at one point I was dispensing medical advice while wearing your sombrero and a hulk hand
In the middle of blowing him I looked at him and said "Your so old..." and then continued. I need to stop drinking.
So are we just not going to talk about the time I came home to you jerking it in the kitchen?
I just ordered cookies for delivery. My life is falling apart.
If catching your vomit in my hands while swimming in a bath tub full of it doesn't make us best friends, I don't know what will
just realized we fucked to the ultimate disney playlist last night. hakuna matata.
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