how the fuck does easy mac keep making itself at 3am when i'm wasted? what is this phenomenon?
relax...and go to your happy place, which probably has a lot of dicks
i mean i should have known that when i started taking shots with my zumba instructor i was in for a rough night...
I just got turned down by a drunk fat chick. At my own birthday party. God hates me.
Does Jim keep sending you pics of him in drag too???? If so, are you also slightly uncomfortable?
Got laid in my rudolph onesie for the second year in a row. New tradition? Absolutely.
I've got the dick your vagina needs, but not the one it deserves right now.
He doesn't drink liquor so instead of doing a body shot off my belly button he dropped water in there and sipped it out with a straw. Look at my face: =|
I just need like a magic vacuum to suck everything out of me and then an IV to put good stuff back in
what better to celebrate not being pregnant than to eat a bowl full of rum soaked pineapples?
When you wake up to a porn star on your couch telling you, you better tell your boyfriend about last night.
I am high playing guitar hero naked. Please don't let me die this way
You tried to fight someone about spaghetti o’s?
That hungover.
This is a test message to see whether or not the recipient is alive.
I was giving him head and he slipped one of those hats with propellors on top on my head.
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