I assume you are not resopnding because you are having sex thus i give you a text message high five
you wrote "5 million dollars" in the tip line for the pizza delivery man and insisted that he deserves it
i think i'd rather have a trophy of a like jizz stained curtain or something
Remind me never to take that much Vicodin ever again. I laid in bed measuring my heart rate for an hour and a half because I was afraid it would stop.
They're making him take his shirt off cause they think he's the bouncer. We're in his backyard.
Well, you know sobriety isn't something I like to do on the reg.
Dude. You gotta go home. I think I left the snake hanging on the chandelier.
The only thing I had in my freezer before today was patron and cheese.
Well, if you're anything like me you'll get a lot of ass when you turn 30, so that's a plus
I just brought her a lipstick taser. So just remember that the next time you get smart with her
Because of you I'm damaged goods. I'm a fucking soup can and you dropped me.
I'm currently using a band-aid to cover my bar stamp from last night while I ask my professor for an extension. That's a sign of getting more responsible, right?
Get the fuck in, we're going to Taco Bell.
The lady at the liquor store in my hometown just gave ran around the corner and gave me a hug when I came back from being gone for a couple months. My life is complete.
I'm too drunk to make ramen. What the fuck is this.
Randomize
