She went to the bathroom before i broke up with her so i changed all 2500 of her songs on her computer to "I'm a cheating whore"
It's mornings like this that make me happy to have a clean pair of underwear in my purse.
I'm going to come in a little later this morning....there's no heterosexual way to say this....$1 flip flop sale at old navy
Well hey if hot cowboys are involved then all bets are off.
he was terrible at kissing, so i just kept letting him motorboat me. he seemed very pleased with my choice
I added "don't hook up with boys with girlfriends" to my new years resolution and realized how sad it was that it made me actually feel like a better person
And she was like "I wanted you all for myself, to love you, and treat you like gold."... See this is why I shouldn't fuck Italian chicks...
You have not lived until you've seen your mother stumble into the house with one shoe on mumbling incoherently about tequila cupcakes.
the number of desperate girls at the gym right now is unfair. it would be cruel not to let one blow me.
No. I heard a cover of "my heart will go on". This is not sanity.
I'm pretty sure at any given moment you could wring out my liver and get a couple of shots of jäger.
I think I just danced on the bar. With a man named Alabama.
Thank you for turning 21. I'm going to love reading your texts.
I'm almost positive that you shat in a birdhouse
Client visitor days are the worst. If I have to wear a tie and can be hungover at least have the decency to find some more attractive visitors
I feel like they've probably fucked. Like.. you don't just bring a bitch a Big Mac if you haven't fucked her.
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