It just feels wrong masturbating with my neighbor's cat in my apartment
The dry cleaners wouldn't even take our clothes. That's how bad of a night it was.
I demanded respect from my fuck buddy. Drunk me is not fun.
If I interpreted our horoscopes correctly...you should be coming home with an 8 ball. Just saying.
it's not like this is the first time she's brought a guy home and I'm the one who hooks up with him
a pansexual with facepaint started fucking a tall black girl on the bed i was sitting on so im going to mcdonalds
things I never thought I would say vol. 24 "Bagpipes just remind me that my relationship is over"
I totally almost forgot you fucked that guy. St. Patty's bar crawls always have a drawback.
Have you seen our bachelor? He's MIA. Last seen being led to some hookers by Kanye look-a-like.
In honor of Dennis Farina dying, I'm offering up free mustache rides...2 takers so far.
My head is just one big fuzz right now.. Its like someone replaced my brain with a teddy bear
she paid $15 and a box of cheerios for their acid
I'm naked on my couch and just ate a chip that was in my belly button.. my 20s have been weird.
I was playing 'If You Had To Fuck One or Die' with the old composite pictures with a guy in the bathroom line. They were all pretty ugly so I go "You can tell this is a lower tier frat"......turns out the guy was a brother
Bro i just made a pipe out of a mechanical pencil and the top to an eye drop bottle. Does that make me some kind of pot god?
A Valium induced mom decided to walk into my bedroom this morning without knocking. Guess what I was doing? FML
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