God help me. Come pick me up. The guy told me this is not a hotel and i had to leave.
Well I thought that next 8 ball would either kill us or turn us into Gods
She's never had brie before last night, don't know if I can date a girl that doesn't like soft cheeses.
Ricky Martin is gay. You owe me $10 from 3rd grade.
it's like her boobs came off with her bra
So we went to home depot to buy supplies to build a beer bong but ended up buying an office water cooler that were going to put vodka in
When I left you were in the shower in your socks throwing up screaming it was blood but it was "ok" cuz it's recyclable. By the way it was kool aid.
Wrapped in a blanket, just ate a whole party pizza. All my dreams are coming true and you don't even care.
It was like I was playing the clarinet on his penis. And I just kept saying I'm sorry.
Just had the best idea EVER: start a mead brewing/dispensery business! WE CAN BREW IT IN MY GIANT CLOSET, AND NEVER BE SOBER AGAIN.
...and as she's going down on me I look at the speedo and I'm doing 15 under, with 6 cars tailgating me, and I know her parents saw her head pop up because they were the car right behind us.
Stop your judging. I got free booze AND an oil change. You're the one whose always saying we're spending too much money.
He doesn't have an existential crisis after we have really violent sex now which is nice
I accidentally made jungle juice last night.
my mom walked in on me eating her out, and i can never kiss my mother again.
Randomize
