Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
woke up in a shopping cart using a keystone box as a blanket. how was your night?
you kept begging me not to tell anyone you had been a bat in another life
He came and then made the Jim Halpert face. does that say disappointment or what
Today should be called shooting fish in a barrel day. Every place ive gone to ive met a girl who regrets not hooking up last night. There have not been girls this easy since Fathers Day
and now I know what throwing up pineapple chunks is like.
Yeah, we had those soaking in vodka for like 36 hours
outstanding.
well since you're still married, you will be paying for my abortion right?
hey..i found a takeout box with a half-eaten hamburger in it, the box said to text this number if found...
A true measure of a good friend is how long she responds to her friends drunken illogical texts. Youre a champ.
Whats the count minus fat chicks?
Well the pizza delivery man was either startled or incredibly intrigued to see me skateboarding in the living room by myself at 1 in the morning in ripped pantyhose
My pants are like a grocery bag containing ONLY jelly beans right now.
I'm naked in a forest ranger station right now
One day when i undoubtedly need an intervention please let it include lightsabers.
I think I can handle that.
As long as it's more "this is where i see an issue" vs "psst.... tiddies" then i have no argument
Randomize
