would you consider him our boss?
technically yes
then technically i slept with our boss
honestly, magaritas are the void men can't fill.
Yeah. Fortunately, the road to Hell is paved with naked 21 year old girls.
Which beats the fuck out of good intentions.
Jerking off has been your answer to everything tonight.
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
It's 4PM and I'm finally awake.. I'm covered in dog fur and shame. I'd say it counts as a good night.
He passed out on the floor and you kept hitting him in the dick and screaming "hammer of justice".
I can't even use my hands i'm so hungover
We've completely outdone ourselves. We packaged a collective total of six grams of pot and salvia into little bowl-sized tinfoil capsules. It's totally impossible to tell which is which without comparing, every Friday from now on we pick one out and see what the fuck happens
It's great when the cashier at the liquor store asks "weren't you wearing those clothes yesterday"
you were yelling that somebody needed to take your bra off with such enthusiasm my first thought was that you were on fire.
In order to see him, he made me facetime with his penis, which he had drawn a smile face on. Getting laid shouldn't be this difficult.
i woke up face planted on your ottoman..thanks for letting me sleepover
Woke up with a lip tattoo that says "fake news" in case you're wondering about my wellbeing
Also, my guy said they would be around. And i clarified that when I asked him for mushrooms he didn't hear "a mushroom or two" but rather understood I meant "all the mushrooms you can find between now and 4th of July."
Randomize
