I like waking up with a slight hangover cause I'm dehydrated and it makes me feel thinner.
Her stripper name is Geico. I'm not drunk or creative enough to make this up.
stop calling me dude. finger blasting me officially kills you being able to call me dude.
I feel like his penis would have a weird haircut because he does.
That bitch makes my crazy look like a walk in the park with cotton candy
Do you know what the cost code is for strip clubs? I'm filling out my company expense report right now
I made people serenade her before talking to her and went on a condom run. If I'm going to be in the friend zone, I'm going to be its fucking king.
I'm gonna send you a dick pic now just so your uncomfortable at work
The sex is great, I just think it'd be better if we listened to Deftones during it.
All of my friends are hooking up and here I am, the lone asexual, looking for someone to eat these tostitos with me.
I got so drunk last night I took a ice bath with my mother in law
I was all, oh. I've had tattoos and broken a limb. Waxing my lady parts will be a cake walk. I was wrong.
Right?? Give me some apple scented candles and I'm a fall wet dream
I woke up at 5am on my couch, naked, with a cereal bowl of water next to me. Apprently, drunk me thought I was a kitten last night. Super impressed I slept next to the bowl all night and didn't spill a drop.
Ps can u get with my cousin? He's a freshman at uconn and he's very attractive but like were related....
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