My grandmass entire neighborhood is over for dessert and i'm high as fuck...about to make a couple of freshman boys real uncomfortable
Freshman in high school? Just your type
someone threw a dead crab at me
Just got caught pissing on a plant in her room while she was in the shower first word out of my mouth were my bad
My family just suggested tequila shots. I had Vietnam style flashbacks.
Apparently telling a group of crying girls that it looks like they need a visit from Dr. Phil isn't the best pickup line.
You know you're deprived when the only thing you taste while chewing gum is the 2 grams of sugar alcohol.
Someone said we're out of ice. You collapsed on the spot and started sobbing, saying 'but where will all the polar bears live". That drunk.
This girl has a mullet weave. I missed oakland.
I just got into the cab. It smells like weed and the driver looks like someone who may or may not be really talented at playing the saxophone. He also asked me my thoughts on porn when I told him I'm an actor. I might not make it home.
Best orgasm I ever had! I though we totally connected and I asked him to stay over. He went back to the sigma chi house and returned with his blankie and a 40. please help
We made out and he didn't grope me. I liked it. I felt like I was innocent again.
Did you just email Kelly and I gay dinosaur erotica?
At least I know that however bad my life gets and how low I can feel I'll never feel shitting in a red robin parking lot low
I forgot to lock the bathroom door. He walked in, saw me on the toliet, nodded, and walked back out.
I'm using emojis for drug deals now. It's time to kill me.
Randomize
