I woke up fully clothed on top of my sheets and i didnt even pee myself..so proud.
textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
I haven't shaved so I have to behave myself. I'm going to do this from now on.
He was in me and said I can't believe this happened because of facebook. MOOD KILLER.
a small fire erupted but we put it out with a can of beer so everything's fine
its not like she's the last girl on the planet with symmetrical breasts and great skin
I forgot not everyone drinks wine out of the bottle. My grandma just asked if i needed a glass with a disappointing look.
The bosnian sent me a sext with his dick next to a comcast remote. It went up to the "stop" button. Ironic and appropriate. Grab your remote and imagine it.
You've ruined television for me.
Not only is it unacceptable to be bar hopping alone at 5 o'clock. It is definitely unacceptable to do so with a lobster
I gave an inspirational speech to a bum and called a bride ugly at her wedding reception.
He is a beautiful butterfly covered in tattoos and naked.
The amount of guys I've turned down for you is disgusting... You better love me.
I finished my first whiskey and I'm waiting to have a second one in celebration when your pregnancy test comes back negative
I can't wait to see you & have espresso-fueled sex
It was like he was 23 all over again. Madness. I. was. so. scared.
Randomize
