New boss looks like john cusack in a collar. Hot. Why do i always want to have sex with priests?
nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
her boobs were like sundried tomatoes..
I think the world might be a better place if everyone was capable of having open relationships.
Is there a nice way of saying 'touch my penis or i dont really wanna hangout"?
Met the five year old's gym teacher for next year. He is an old drinking buddy and I used to fuck his older brother. It was like a walk of shame 20 years late.
as we were driving back from the frat house he pulled down his pants and convinced me his penis "wanted some air"
he ruins everything I try to do including his roommates
knew it was a bad idea. the look she gave me when i left her roommates bedroom in the morning really illustrated that.
Find me a date. With a beard. I want him to rub his beard on my tits. I'm not even into that stuff but I think it'd be so warm.
Woke up today to the sound of church bells. My first thought was shit the apocalypse, but then I remembered my hook up lives next to a church. This might be a rough day.
He stood me up.
I'm no sure if I should be pissed or proud that he finally grew a backbone.
not sure when or how we ended up at this wedding party but you need to be here they are handing out screwdrivers and Yamakas to everyone and it's a got damn open bar you need to be here now
Honestly cannot tell if I’m magical or really, really high.
When we were fucking he called me by his moms name then after we were done told me to call him. He's not receiving a call... What if his mom picks up?
Randomize
