i just had sex. the condom broke. we're sleeping in to separate beds. And im in albany
this guy showed up at my house asking for his sword and cape. something tells me i shouldn't drink that much again.
I took my penis out way before I got to the bathroom and some dude kicked me out.
I don't remember how we paid for the cab. I do however remember giving him my heels 2 help with the bill.
His beard is glorious and he smells like barbecue. Introduce me to him.
Me ending up in the fetal position in my shower is becoming far too commonplace. It's like a weekly therapy session
Drunk me Does not appreciate a drunk, naked you kicking me off the couch at 3am. You have a bed here, you dick
Just be aware that next year I will probably try to seduce you to avoid going to the gym
WHO JUST REMOVED THAT SAME BOARD IN TWO MINUTES FLAT WITH NO INJURIES, SHOES, SOCKS, OR BRA?! THIS BITCH. CRACKIN A BEER FOR DA SHOWA. BITCHES AIN'T SHIT MOTHAFUCKA
It started out as friends with benefits and now I'm picking up her kids from daycare...what has happened to me
I've found my soulmate with the cardboard Dos Equis man.
Just want the two of you to know, I went to a golf tournament today. Respectable, expensive… Flipped the golf cart. Seriously, I'm 40. What the fuck?
You shouldn't play strip poker when you're having a wet fart kind of day.
I still blew him because I won't let allergies keep me from doing what I want. But I almost suffocated like 10 times.
Who the fuck just called me and played funkytown
Randomize
