why do i have 22 missed calls from someone who is literally saved in my phone as bumrape star??
Just woke up and stopped at the WaWa in Virginia. Had major morning wood and didn't try to hide it when walking around. So many awkward stares.
I just febrezed the jizz on my pants and wore them again, gross or eco-friendly?
Eco-friendly.
Upperdeckered the toilet. Took sombrero off, drawing too much heat. Witnessed glassing. In bush, come findme.
Tonight's trip to the ER was brought to you by, "fork jousting."
Man, just talk to her friend and help me out. Otherwise we go home alone
I'd rather jerk off with a hand full of bumble bees then talk to her
Please never let me the drunk fat dancer in the bus girl
My cat clawed my face because i tried to give it a foot massage...never doing shrooms again.
He told me he wants to eat me out all day while I lay in bed watching football. Seems like a solid foundation for a relationship to me.
He always tells me he misses my clit. I feel like I should make a drinking game out of it
Hey, you remember years ago when you told me you would give me a kidney?
FINALLY GOT MY TENTH DICK. PARTY FOREVER
It's not as funny as it sounds. I shit myself at the company Christmas party.
The only thing he told me before he passed out was that he is from Buffalo and I'm a bitch.
he made that chewbacca noise when he came. like father like son i guess.
Randomize
