She swallowed my jizz and then took a shot of jack daniels and said "chaser." This cant be real life.
I just paid a homeless man $20 for the dragon ball Z shirt he was wearing. I need to stop drinking
Well, i'm not sure how that works so i wish both you and your vagina luck on your voyage.
Saddest moment ever is discovering when your cat no longer wants to get high with you.
i accidentally sent all my draft messages..how do i do damage control for the multiple "fuck me now" type msgs sent at ten am?
I didn't think four grown drunk men could cuddle on a twin size bed, but we found a way.
we're like the harlem globetrotters of underage drinking
Threw up in hyvee parking lot. Thanksgiving shopping complete.
My cast smells like cheese steak rolls
I just love that a strip club has taco Tuesday.
It bothers me when I see my old fuck buddies starting families on Facebook.
I tried to think of the best possible thing I could do for my 30th birthday, and the finalist is "get a clit ring"
I don't see why I have to pay for it.
your head went through the window, you're pretty much obligated to pay for it.
i just woke up from a 4 hour nap, still drunk, to make mac n cheese.
I love you so much and not just because your dick is perfect
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