I just went in my fridge and said to my turkey "see you thursday". I seriously have issues
Well, technically I had a shirt on, it was just around my waist.
and then we had to stop you from trying to pour shots through your nose with the neti pot.
i told them to call me paula dean as i was making all 10 for $10 boxes of pizza rolls in the microwave
Someone just asked me if ur the girl that fell through the floor. I HAD to say yes.
MISSING: One left eyebrow. Reward if returned.
The nurse who basically saved my life just came into the store. Didn't recognize her. Awwwwkward.
I get off at the next exit which doesn't have a shoulder, a guy is riding my ass so I cant stop. I think I got as much puke on his car as on mine.
This makes me miss penis. Not in a horny way... but in a sad, sentimental way.
His ex-girlfriend just gave his current girlfriend the heimlach omg omg omg help this is so awkward
A man just squeezed past me in a tight space and said, "Excuse us."
Is there a word in the English dictionary for impressed, yet disgusted?
I think the word you're looking for is flabbergasted.
I have stickers all over my boobs and a lump the size of china on my forehead. today has not been good.
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
Dude someone puked in a bowl n put it in the fridge. I thought it was salsa! Who does that?
Randomize
