I pretty much can't stop smiling when I talk to you. Even when you talk about disease and infectious diarrhea.
....ANDDD I just became confused during sexting and sent my mother a text describing a "porno-worthy cum shot."
My mom can no longer prohibit me from smoking pot..I sell to her boyfriend.
The last thing I remember is yelling "ill handle this" while wearing a lion suit and holding a jug of vodka when the RAs came
Do you think she's aware of my deep hatred or should I set her hair on fire in her sleep?
How did I end up in the pool?!
Welcome to ASU
Trust me I was high for like 5 years...I got this
Chipotle. Because when you've had diarrhea for 6 days why not just make it 7
Man. Apparently I blacked out between the 4th margarita and my air mattress. Asleep in my jeans at 10pm. Mom outdrank me again.
I told him I wanted to fuck him and he hasn't texted me back in 4 days...am I missing something
You need to stop showing people the things i drunk-text to you... i have a reputation to uphold here
Did i fall last night when u carried me home.
idk
OHHH yea you fell down the stairs face first
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
Okay everything with a penis is officially dead in my eyes
Greetings from Florida; the armpit of the US, where my 240something lb brother nearly got carried away by some aggressive woodland mosquitoes. I was only spared because they could probably sense I was currently semi-disassociating and would not feel the suffering their presence wrought.
Anyway, how was your day?
Randomize
