Dude I just witnessed a midget touching himself and singing the chorus to somebodys watching me by michael jackson... it kinda turned me on
Next time i try to unbutton my R.A's shirt with my teeth, please stop me
No promises.
now that im off birth control, the world is a much scarier place
I took my pants off in the cab and tried to bite his ear. Not going oout for awhile
Russell brand is gross. Everytime I see him I just wanna give him a bath. He's like a used condom.
I'm sitting in my room naked waiting for him. When he gets here im going to make him do 20 pushups and lick my clit for a hour
I'm ready to take a few years of my life this weekend
Just had hot animal sex with the guy who had been sending me 10 second selfie snapchats for the past month
I made out with a guy who was dressed as Borat
And like a minute in, I was like oh fuck what am I doing
Did you run away?
I DANCED AWAY.
So i had a feeling this dude with one leg in a wheelchair was following me around Walmart turns out I was right. He just asked for a picture of my feet.
i mean i let him but still...
You can not love someone based on who they were when they were 9. Does he know how many dicks I've sucked since then?
Trying to figure out why my back is hurting. And then I remember I got fucked up against a tree last night
I'm gonna tell the medical examiner that your cause of death was over-arousal.
My condom drawer is now filled with W-2s and tax return documents. Is this adulting?
i feel like if we ever had babies together they would just be drunk all the time
Randomize
