I felt like a body pillow being humped by a twelve year old.
Those are some awfully high standards for someone of your weight
george bush was a better president for first pitches than barack obama. there. i said it.
I know I know. I considered playing it sober but after I typed out IS SHE A GENIE? I knew it was impossible to hide.
Just an FYI: The offer for you to come snow blow my driveway in return for sexual favors is still on the table
I'm naked in the window of the hotel and I feel like I'm walking in slow motion like a robot
Life lesson: When you compete in an impromptu "bloody mary chug-off," in the end, no one wins.
I'm tired of stuffing my fat into a slutty costume. Next year let's go as homeless girls. Cute ones. In leggings with camel toe.
I just used cruise control in a 25 zone. When will this hangover end???
I only had sex with him so I could try to steal his roommate's cat, what kind of girl do you think I am?
Update: I may or may not be in a cult
Update #2: I may or may not be the leader of said cult
What's your ideal size in a man?
I just asked if you could cover my shift tomorrow......
You gotta start bringing a flask to work so you can get a head start
Possibly a very genius or very terrible idea...
Also I feel I should tell you last night when I came home I fell into my laundry hamper and woke up in a pile of my clothes
I have his gate key so know he has to see me again.
Randomize
