screw that ipod for my birthday.. i just want a weed brownie the size of my face. that's all.
Heated debate on which is worse. Pissing your pants or puking all over yourself
Met the five year old's gym teacher for next year. He is an old drinking buddy and I used to fuck his older brother. It was like a walk of shame 20 years late.
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
Awesome. My fame will spread to DC... As will the herpes.
I'm not embarrassed about the lap dance. I'm embarrassed for the singing during.
It's ok that you're screwing someone else while trying to get back with me, I'm banging three girls while I ignore you.
He made me write my name on his wall in crayon so he'd be able to remember it in the morning
I got carried to one bar. Got a piggy back ride to the next bar. I was just testing our drinking team for st pattys day to make sure they are able to handle me more drunk than that.
How long can I keep it classy to hook up in my old office building? Two more years? Does it get weird after 30?
Hey my dad gave me life the least I can do is take him chicken strips and a pack of marlboros.
You have a long distance relationship and I have a long distance snapchat sexting buddy. If that doesn't describe who we are as people then I don't know what does.
I did all i could do but i woke up smelling like cigars and theres salsa all over my face
Let's take a shot for every time we've said "I don't want to get that drunk tonight"
there is another microwave in the elevator.
Randomize
