According to my dad, my tongue ring makes people assume I give a lot of blow jobs because, as stated by him "that's what it's for"
she just put all the cheese in the refrig to sleep.. and yes we did finish you bottle.
new years resolution: more sex, less car punching, more chipotle.
You ended at least 6 stories with "and that's why I don't snort coke anymore"
He went bowling in his bathroom.. And shattered the toilet.
Maybe I'm a robot.
You can't be that drunk already
I swear she's a drunk klepto...by the end of the night she had stolen 3 bowling balls. HOW DO YOU STEAL 3 BOWLING BALLS?
I knew it would be an interesting night when he showed up at my house on a scooter wearing a six foot american flag as a cape.
So this tall girl jumped in our cab and I was like hey I have pics of u on my phone. It wasn't creepy at all
no strings attached, like you could fuck him and then throw him off a building right after
Right now I'm drinking out of a gallon water jug & eating a baconator. If you're feeling down, just remember you could be me.
My friend Julia's mom just called her to say she got a puzzle in the mail made of cheese and when she put it together it spelled FUCK YOU and she doesn't know who it's from.
I had to explain to the doctor why I'm peeing blood. He still didn't believe a girl would have that much sex... You could feel the judgement forming in the room when I went into the details...
Damn, well a girls gotta get laid too
long story short... we may or may not have lost your car.
EMERGENCY SUBJECT CHANGE. SHE DOESN'T KNOW.
Randomize
