i never thought i'd have to say "please stop having sex on me"
wow.
yeah, it was that bad.
normally I beat off every night before I go to bed even though my little brother sleeps in the same room. So I was starting to last night, and he jumped out of bed and said "Fuck, Im not listening to this shit again" We havent talked since. fuck me
so i turned around to do some reverse cowgirl when he said that this was such a better visual for him. Bad compliment or serious insult. i cant tell
We made a bong out of a plastic football. I can honestly say we make a good team.
You left me with no money to have random Chicago sex. The least you can do is pick me up an egg mcmuffin on your walk of shame back to the hotel.
It's only 10 in the morning...josh is already on the way to the ER for trying to shotgun a beer with a sparklers sticking out of it on fire.
The world is my kaleidiscope. I see whatever the alcohol wants me to.
Just explain how I got from the bar to a house I've never been in, waking up to a cop in uniform ripping a bong
You get drunk and try to bury your girlfriend in the sand JUST ONCE and all hell breaks loose
He played pinball with my ovaries. He won.
I feel like I should be doing a victory lap around my house to the rocky music, or zapping and smiting people with my mystic wizard powers
I just call them the hipster frat because they wear shirts other than pastel polos and listen to MGMT while playing dice.
He's texting from midnight mass asking for nude pics. Baby Jesus is spinning in his manger as we speak
Dad danced with a girl half his age and her boyfriend just sat at the bar and waited for dad to be done. I bought pity nachos.
My boob job is like a master key that gets me in any door, any party and anyone’s pants! They’re magical!
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