I puked while I was brushing my teeth this morning and had to get a new tbrush
Ew, did you brush them again?
Yeah but i puked on the new one and decided to give up...failure
The sex was so not worth the four dollars it cost to drive over the bridge
she said your name and I thought she was asking me to motorboat her. Best. Miscommunication.Ever.
between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
Leaving the dealer's house. He just gave me a sincere hug and said good luck. This cant end well.
she was mad because i didn't remember our fuckaversary. fuck buddies are getting too demanding..
He is in the front yard trying to catch birds out of the air with a fishing net.
I'm afraid to text her because most of the time she just replies with "cockblock."
oh my god. were standing in the kitchen and were chanting "EYEBROWS" and shaving peoples eyebrows. I have work tomorrow and want to keep my eyebrows.
ATTN: We are officially 15 weeks from our annual "Get-Mega-Stoned-and-BBQ" event. Start saving up the proper supplies. That is all.
You know its been a rough night when for a large portion of the evening you have accepted your death
There should be a company that sends nadgrams. They're like candy grams except the recipient gets kicked in the balls.
I'd tell u there's strippers to make you get here faster, but that would be a blatant lie... There's strippers here.
There is nothing worse than the batteries of your vibrator dying on valentines day
He just compared fucking my vagina to a snow flake falling on his forehead: gentle.... I'm not sure if that's a compliment or not.
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