i gave him head before the novacaine wore off...i think his penis touched my lung
but the lizard people decide everything anyway
i feel like even strangers are annoyed with me because of how drunk i was last night
I'm still with the girl from last night. remember to call me conrad and that i work for PETA
It felt like getting blasted with a supersoaker filled with vagina juice.
Just called the bar: "hi this is the girl who you kicked out for excessive bleeding, do you happen to have my coat?"
sitting on my lesbian neighbors couch, sexting, & eating a burrito.. that single
dude, apparently i tried to force feed my grandma bananas last night.
But seriously he was like a god with his hands. My vagina feels annointed.
Won't anyone wonder why I'm mute, bald, and wearing an eye patch?
Last awkward moment of 2011: your ex gf grinding on me in front of her husband.
I'll just put on a bunch of mascara and cry right before I get there. Then everyone will recognize me.
i woke up soaking wet with shard of glass imbedded in my flesh dangerously close to my dick what happend?!!
BEER BOTTLE SWORD FIGHTHING!!
Remember when you gave their 80 year old doorman a line of molly at 5am?
The sad moment you remember you have no power for a week and can't flush.....
Wrong number bro but that sounds like a damn shame.
Randomize
