Come back if u want to. I'll do some dirty shit to u mamacita.
im sitting at a bagel shop wearing a princess crown hungover and have a sweater that is not mine.
two more shots til everyone in this club gets to see my cesarean scars.
I thought I hit my peak drinking in college. Just finished first day on Wall Street. College was nothing.
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
all i care about is the story behind my toaster ending up in the microwave
Im tired as fuck but i cant leave him here like this i gave him the acid and i feel the responsibillity to put his mind back together its fun im an architect about to about to construct a whole new belief and moral system inside this soul. Talk about the best psychothearpy
Umm... How do I tell my roommate someone shot a speargun through the wall? On a side note, cliff shot a speargun for the first time.
It's been a year of occasional hook ups....this was bound to happen sometime even with your jank ovary schedule.
The guys in the quick check just recognized me as the girl who bought rolling papers and whipped cream. This is the walk of shame on crack.
I feel like my vagina was punched by chuck Norris, a Brazilian chuck Norris.
Look, all I'm saying is that you're going to be a great Vodka Mom.
U wanna come over and watch talidaga nights. Ill make pancakes
What? It's 130 in the morning.
Aww come on i make bomb ass pancakes
i dunno dude, he took his shirt off and is rubbing jello shots on himself. i think he's done
My favourite part was when you contorted upside down in the tub and said "I don't want to be upside down"
Randomize
