If she didn't want me to pass out in her bathroom, then she shouldn't have such a furry rug in there
we went to sleep in different beds and woke up spooning. alcohol truly is the anti-cockblocker.
Then she called me a home wrecking whore.
dont they live in a condo? that doesnt count.
You found Muppets From Space a little too intense, so you just sorta sat on the ground and stared at the wall plug for an hour and a half.
I feel as if I owe my bloodstream some tequila.
He made me a mix cd. There is obviously something wrong with him.
i walked outside and you were driving up the stairs to her apartment
Just in case you were wondering I sent you a text at 4:37 in the morning because I woke up on the side of the highway at that time
Half the people who compete die. All the rest either lose their minds or grow an innate fear of sharks, vodka, and fishbowls
I should start an etsy shop with all the jewelry and clothes women leave at my house
Theres either a bag of coke in my pocket or a bag of anthrax, either way last night got way to serious
spending my first valentines day single in 3 years blazed and eating heart shaped brownies i bought myself. WHO NEEDS A MAN.
Just had an orgasim to the Star Spangled Banner so.. it was all worth it.
Did you fill my inhaler with tequila?
Yeah, so?
She called a 10 year old handsome and we gave her a look that was equal parts confused and “what the hell is wrong with you”
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