he drunkenly confessed to whacking off before coming over so the sex'd be longer. this one's a keeper
i wish my apartment had room service that i didn't have to pay for.
Apparently he ran around last night saying he was 'the hulk hogan of muff diving'
Hovering on the line between her being fuckable and me being too drunk to fuck. Life's juggling act in progress here.
My hickies are dark enough that I can feel drivers judging me from across an intersection
DICK PUNCH EXTRAVAGANZAAAAAA!!!!!
Are we really going to sext in Pokemon battle fashion?
WHO JUST REMOVED THAT SAME BOARD IN TWO MINUTES FLAT WITH NO INJURIES, SHOES, SOCKS, OR BRA?! THIS BITCH. CRACKIN A BEER FOR DA SHOWA. BITCHES AIN'T SHIT MOTHAFUCKA
telling her she was ovary-acting wasn't the greatest idea. doing it in a text so she could see your spelling was where you really went wrong, though.
I feel so nauseous and all I want is string cheese. My life never makes sense.
Idk how much vodka is on these pants but I'm gonna wear them anyway: the biopic
If I'm walking weird, don't judge me. Things got kinda outta hand with the GoPro on.
this is a save-me-from-tijuana-tequila-and-hoookers booty call. if i don't hear from you by 8pm i'm grabbing my passport
if i'm not back tomorrow call the embassy
sorry for any reference made toward your boobs or making you feel pregnant or incapable of peeing. make it a wonderful day.
I’ve gotta be honest, I didn’t expect to have sex. I didn’t shave... anything. You couldn’t have been impressed.
Randomize
