mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
Could you please tell them to stop whispering "thundercunt" every time I walk in the room?
Hey so summary of last night. I threw up in a rain boot then tipped it over on my bed, did my laundry and passed the fuck out. I feel like I didn't see you.
She uses my penis to point at the tv when we talk about the shows. I love her
he gets drunk and then tries to eat the lasers at the dance club
This morning is cloudy with a high chance of vomiting all over the dentist. Stay tuned for further updates.
im seconds away from chugging that vodka and preforming the surgery on myself.
If she makes a move, pretend to have a seizure.
Also I think he would slowly, painfully, die. You really can't live without a penis. You'd explode.
Yeah i was handcuffed to the bed all night but i actually slept like a baby
We had sex during an intermission, then the second period. The bruins better win. Missing a period isn't worth having sex with him
rest in peace liver.
It was nice having you occupy space in my body that could be holding beer n chicken.
that's going in my livers obituary.
He wants me to fart in his mouth and is offering me SOOOO much coke. I'm stuck between a rock and a hard place. GIVE ME ADVICE.
My life is a random series of events connected only by bottles of Seagram's 7
Gotta say, self-deprecating Lord of the Rings-themed sex jokes were not on my agenda for today.
Randomize
